Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Small miracles
Ok, so I guess I can't complain about EVERYTHING. I just have to hit myself on the head and remind myself to count the blessings that I DO have and quit crying about the ones I don't. At least one big weight fell off of my shoulder today. And there's only one more week left before my husband leaves. That'll be the biggest chunk ever. I only wish things weren't this way. I had never imagined myself being alone. But soon, I will be. He's finally told me he'll sign divorce papers if I sent them to him. Before, he would always say there's no way he'd divorce me. That I was his until we die. I know I'm going to cry like a baby when they tell me I'm single. I had always dreamed of a future with him, watching our kids grow up. I dreampt of the times he would walk our daughters down the aisle and give them away. And stand beside our sons when they watched their brides walk towards them. I even dreampt once of us sitting on the porch, both of us in rocking chairs, watching the grand-kids play in the front yard. For anybody who likes The Judds, one of their songs hits really close to my sentiments..."Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days." Especially the lines that say "Where lovers really fall in love to stay, stand beside each other come what may" and "Daddies really never go away." Talk about nostalgia. I can only think of one friend of mine that has been with her husband since high school. The rest have been divorced or separated from theirs (including husband-boyfriends as I call them). Why can't we go back to days where people wouldn't even mumble the word "divorce" for fear of being struck down by God? People were more solid in their choices back then, and in their commitment and responsibilities. Men made babies to take care of them. Maybe we could even learn a lesson or two from our canine brothers, the wolves. They mate for life. They only take another "partner" if one dies, and sometimes not even then. Are we so stupid that dogs are smarter than us? Sheesh.
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That sounds odd coming from you...if divorce were a bad word then you'd have to stay shackled to him for the rest of your miserable life. The real bad word is marriage. I mean really think about it...why on earth would you want to force anyone to stay with you when they don't love you and don't want you but that is essentially what a marriage means, right? That no matter what you must stand by someone...even if that is bad for you...even if they are too selfish to think about you or your kids because they are stuck on pleasing themselves. Yolanda...seriously...if someone loves you they will stay with you throughout the years because they love you and you're their friend. Spouses are never really your friend and the ones that seem to be your friend are the worst because they are lying...people truly resent having their power of choice taken from them and they place that resentment on the one they swore to love forever...isn't it worth something to love someone fully for a moment in time and then move on as your life grows and changes and always be friends? Why marriage? For a religion that dislikes women? *shrugs* The truth of the matter is that men like marriage because they have no intention to follow their vows...they only want to keep you from sharing their freedom. Does that mean you shouldn't love or trust someone...no, you should, but you should never believe someone despite the obvious and give credit where none is due...blind faith is for the foolish and a man can be a great Dad if he chooses to be one with or without living in the home with them. There are many great single dads out there raising their kids as a partner to their ex. Reach for the stars and never let a man hold you down again, you are worth more than a piece of property and your kids will adapt to whatever situation arises...we all did and came out fine. In fact, not having their dad around will help them not be exposed to his issues so they can grow up healthy of mind and spirit.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteTrust me......I KNOW! And no, I don't think it's of sound mind for someone to stay with someone else for some misplaced ideals about marriage. I come from a single mother myself. She has always been my rock...to this day even. My husband curses her and thinks that she never let me grow up because she was always there, but isn't that what mothers are for? And he should judge. Every time we got into a fight, there he'd go crying and running to call his daddy to tell him what a big bad mean person I'm being to him. I know I have to grow up in certain areas, but at least I can admit that to myself. He still can't.
And I have to admit, "divorce" has always been a bad word to me, even when I saw my Mom go through it. I never wanted to be a single mother. But I think the ideal of marriage is when two people love and respect each other so much that they'll endure whatever hardships they have to. TOGETHER. When a man wakes up everyday and sees his wife lying beside him and thinks, "I'm in the right place." But does that every single day. Someone who is sooooo willing to give up his "freedom" to help raise a family...NOT placing it all on the woman to do. To me, a man is someone who can, and will, admit his mistakes and say that he was wrong. But not to turn around and repeat it. A real man will learn from it and vow never to do it again. If they know they're the one person who can truly hurt you, they would rather die than see you cry from something they did to you.
And I love him. Selfish bastard that he is, I will always love him. If I start to hate him, then I'll start to hate my kids. My boys are the spitting images of him. And my middle daughter acts just like him. There were some good times that we had, and it's those memories I cry over. All the bad things however, I'll always remember as well. But I don't want those to rule my life. I know this situation is not what my kids need. If we stay with him, it's more damaging to them than if we go off on our own. I just thank God that I have a strong rock to fall on. My Mom and brother are being so supportive and helping me a great deal. I know we're going to be okay, and so much better off. But that fact still doesn't dull the pain.
I am so sorry this has been so hard for you...and I truly do hope you find a man like that but I have never met him. Lol. We do tend to have to bear the relationship on our shoulders while they get to throw tantrums and act like another child to raise...*shrugs* I still love my husband too, but it doesn't hurt me that we are growing apart. I want us to drift apart in a friendly way so we don't have to hate each other over the mistakes of the past. I want him to be happy and I want us to be close and always have each others back but we do not compliment each other in a marriage. He has done so much growing as a person lately and I really feel a respect for him that has never been there before. I don't know what the future holds for me and mine but I will keep reaching for happiness where ever that leads and keep love in my heart if I can help it...I feel like I have been filled with anger and ugliness for way too long. Honestly, I just feel relieved and the sadness is fading away like a bruise. I wish there was a way I could help you change your outlook but I suspect that with time comes healing for your wounded feelings and dreams. You are a beautiful person and he is missing out on something special, but someone else will see how special you are and help you pick up the pieces...but next time around stay true to yourself and don't let your feelings lead you around. You have an amazing personality and it doesn't need to get watered down by some guy...even if he knows how wonderful you are. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Yolanda,
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you , been extremely busy at work. Hang in there things will work out eventually and you will heal in time. Just take it one day at at time. In away you can still have part of your dreams, as long as you keep a civil realtionship with your soon to be ex husband then I see no reason why he cannot walk your daughter down the isle when she marrys. He can still be a part of the boys life as well. I am here for support when you need it ,just drop me a note on my blog. I am going to try and keep up with it a little better this summer. Katie is right , remember to love yourself and never let a man (or anyone) tear you down. Once realty sets in with him he will regret what a wonderful woman he had.
Hey ladies,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say thanks so much for the support. And yes Katie, I think that all in all, time will be the only medicine I can take right now. I will always love that asshole, but I just don't think we'll ever be able to be civil around each other. He's even told me that if I divorce him, he wouldn't want to ever see me again. According to him, it's because he wouldn't be able to stand seeing me with someone else and there would be problems. But sometimes I wonder......
And Cindy, you say the same thing my Mom does about taking it one day at a time. It's very true. And I know I have to let go of the past before I can move on with the future, but sometimes that's the hardest hurdle anyone ever has to jump over. I let him change me too much from the person I used to be, so now all I have to do is find myself once again. And I promise, no one will ever do that again. I'm just glad I have such great friends that stand beside me!