Happiness Doesn't Exist

It's true.  No one can ever be truly happy.  If they say they are....why do they keep looking for something better?  Why do you have to look for the greener grass?  What's wrong with the grass you have now?  It's loved and taken care of.  It gets played on by frolicking, laughing, life-filled children.  It gets watered everyday, and maybe a few flowers planted to "spruce it up."  It may not look like much, but it's a hardy yard and full of life.  Anything can grow in it.  And if you go to someone else's yard, why do you deny that you did?  Why do you lie about admiring a yard that "looks" better than what you have?  Or deny that you did yard work somewhere else?  Or tell someone passing by that this yard is not yours?  "Hey neighbor, there's a brown spot showing up in the corner."  "Ohhh, this isn't my yard!  I don't know anything about that."  That's when we wait for someone to throw a wrench in your lawnmower.  See how you take care of your yard NOW.

The END of Term 4!

*BIG sigh of RELIEF!*
I don't know whether to laugh or cry!  I checked my grades for all 3 of my classes, and only 1 of them had the final FINAL grades posted.  The other 2 still needed the week 10 items graded.  I'm very nervous.  For my A&P II class, I never did the final paper.  My grade so far without it is a 95, but that's not including the final exam (which I did bad on...72 I think), and that damned final paper.  I'm hoping it won't drop me down too low, because I wanted to have those A's when I finished school.
It's my own fault really, but I'm blaming it all on my "husband" and all the shit he's done to me.  I'm even angrier at myself for letting it bother me so much.  I should NOT have let this interfere too much with all that I had to do for school.  That's why I'm hoping that this move is just what I need.  Some time to clear my head, at least.
In other news, a good friend of mine made contact with me a couple of days ago.  We sat there and IMed each other for a good while, because it's been over a year since the last time we spoke.  I told him about my problems (he was always such a great listener when we used to work at Wal-mart together) and told him about my upcoming move.  He asked how far that was from El Paso (where he lives now), and when I told him, he was like "Oh cool, maybe I could go visit you every once in awhile?!"  I told him that would be like the best thing ever.  We could go to the big town and let loose!  If he's game, so am I!  And no, this wouldn't be a "romantic" relationship.  He's told me he never wants to get married and "settle down" because there's so much he wants to do in his life, and places he wants to see, and he feels having a family (even without children) would only interfere.  He's not a jerk in any way, but he's got some very weird views on life in my opinion.  Unless it's just me.....?  Anyhoo, I hope he really does visit when he can.  He's such great fun to be with.  But I guess we'll see!

Packing!

Now, in midst of all these final exams, final projects, and final papers, I also get to PACK!!!  I know, I know, this is definitely not a good time for me to do be doing everything all at once, especially considering I haven't even started that final paper yet.  I must love torture or something.  But it must be done, because we need to be out of here by the end of next month.  I already started packing some of the non-essentials like blankets (in the middle of summer!), shoes (made the kids pick one pair of sandals to use), shelves, some books, and all my photo albums and pictures.  I probably won't do the kitchen and clothes until last, seeing as how I need to throw my daughters dressers away because they are so trashed as it is.  So that's a small blessing in disguise....two less things to haul!  *sigh*  I still wish I didn't have to move, but how else can I keep my sanity?  This is the best time, especially since it falls during the summer and roughly in between my fourth and fifth terms.  Guess I shouldn't complain too much then!

Random Ramblings

"Never regret something that made you smile."  Okay, so what do we do with the other stuff that DIDN'T make us smile?  Yes, this must seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but like I said... "Random" ramblings.  I was just thinking back on my late-uncle, my mom's twin brother, and especially about the year before he died.  June 8 marked the 2-year anniversary of his death, so naturally my thoughts are of him.  He was a hell-raiser from birth, but I often wonder if the ghosts of his past didn't haunt him sometimes?  He was never the best dad, or the best uncle even....but he was always THERE.  That's the reason I've always seen him as my father figure, seeing as how my own wasn't there.  He was the cheapest mechanic I had, too.  Whenever I needed help on something, all it cost was a six-pack.  After that we would sit down and shoot the breeze and BS.  He, of course, would drink and we'd sit around watching my kids run around everywhere.  The twins were not even one so they were mainly in bouncers, and every now and then I would catch him just staring at them, as if contemplating on some past memory.  That's what made me wonder if he thought about the past.  If he was thinking back on all his past transgressions or not, or if he was simply thinking back on happier times.  Memories of my childhood are filled with him.  He had a blazer in the years of my youth, and he would always pack all of us in (his 4 kids, my 2 other cousins, and my brother and I) and just take us on a joy-ride.  This was all back before seat-belt laws were passed, so we would go crazy jumping around and back and forth!  Summers were always spent at the swimming pool and at the lake.  Ahhh, the lake!  Barbecues, baking in the sun, swimming, laughing, playing, drinking, eating........I would give my life to re-live even just one day back then.  My uncle was always the diving board for us, :).  We would climb on his shoulders and he would throw us in, or race the older ones to the buoy................................Did he remember those times, on those hot days when he visited me?  I hate to think of him living with regrets, but I know he had them.  I'm not a fool to think that someone is that perfect as to not make mistakes in life.  With as much as he suffered the last two weeks of his life, I'm grateful that he was finally able to go home and rest, even though it hurt so much to lose him.  I like to think that he's in the arms of my grandparents once again, alongside his sister.  And that now, his heart and soul are at peace.  My regret?  That I didn't tell him more often how much I loved him.  But I sure as hell hope he felt it.

IN LOVING MEMORY:

ALEJANDRO MEDINA

SEPT. 13, 1952-JUNE 8, 2008

IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER

Small miracles

Ok, so I guess I can't complain about EVERYTHING.  I just have to hit myself on the head and remind myself to count the blessings that I DO have and quit crying about the ones I don't.  At least one big weight fell off of my shoulder today.  And there's only one more week left before my husband leaves.  That'll be the biggest chunk ever.  I only wish things weren't this way.  I had never imagined myself being alone.  But soon, I will be.  He's finally told me he'll sign divorce papers if I sent them to him.  Before, he would always say there's no way he'd divorce me.  That I was his until we die.  I know I'm going to cry like a baby when they tell me I'm single.  I had always dreamed of a future with him, watching our kids grow up.  I dreampt of the times he would walk our daughters down the aisle and give them away.  And stand beside our sons when they watched their brides walk towards them.  I even dreampt once of us sitting on the porch, both of us in rocking chairs, watching the grand-kids play in the front yard.  For anybody who likes The Judds, one of their songs hits really close to my sentiments..."Grandpa, tell me 'bout the good ol' days."  Especially the lines that say "Where lovers really fall in love to stay, stand beside each other come what may" and "Daddies really never go away."  Talk about nostalgia.  I can only think of one friend of mine that has been with her husband since high school.  The rest have been divorced or separated from theirs (including husband-boyfriends as I call them).  Why can't we go back to days where people wouldn't even mumble the word "divorce" for fear of being struck down by God?  People were more solid in their choices back then, and in their commitment and responsibilities.  Men made babies to take care of them.  Maybe we could even learn a lesson or two from our canine brothers, the wolves.  They mate for life.  They only take another "partner" if one dies, and sometimes not even then.  Are we so stupid that dogs are smarter than us?  Sheesh.

When Will This Nightmare END?????????

I finally see my sanity at the end of this long, dark tunnel.  Why does it happen, that when you're really waiting for something to happen, that that's when life goes into slow-mo?  So much needless pain and suffering will finally end, but the end of that is slow in coming.  Why does life do that to us?

Eh, what else is there to do?

I was actually being a good girl and getting things done early, only to find out that technical support has to work on issues regarding the KU platform, which means.....I can't get into the classrooms to do my work!  Of course!!!!!!!  When I actually try to keep up instead of procrastinating in the last few hours, I CAN'T GET INTO THE CLASS!  So this majorly blows.  Hopefully this little "issue" will be fixed by the time class starts tonight.  Come on tech support, SUPPORT!

Steaming

Yes, you read right.....steaming.  I have to vent some way, so I figure my blog is a good place for that.  Men are such idiots sometimes, no wonder so many women go crazy!  I just spent an hour in seminar with a crying, screaming baby, missing half of what was said, all because his father decides to pick that moment to go visit his friend instead of watching the babies for me while I took class.  As if one hour was going to kill him.  If he didn't want the responsibilities of watching children, why the hell did he get married????  I'm still asking myself that after 8 years.

The start of 4th term

Well, here I am!  I had my first two classes tonight, and holy crap, what have I gotten myself into?!!!!!!!!!  I took on an extra class because I found myself a little bored in between seminar classes each week last term.  I figured that I might as well keep myself busy, and getting one step closer to my goal one step sooner wouldn't hurt either.  But man, the classes I had today are going to be busy!  And then tomorrow I have Anatomy & Physiology II.  If it's anything like part I, I'm in trouble.  I hope it's not going to be too hard, but more of an extension of what I just finished with the first part of the class.  But I guess I'll see!  The good thing is, I noticed that it's a professor that I had before for my Medical Law and Ethics class my very first term.  Hopefully she'll remember me?!  I think all in all though, I'm going to enjoy this term.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Just thinking...

Now that this term is over, and I've received my books for the next, and am actually looking forward to starting it, watch this next week be the longest week of my life!  Why does time fly by so quickly when you're looking forward to something or actually enjoying something, and then it drags and drags when you wish something would happen already?!  Time is so funny....it's ridiculous!  I keep looking at my books for next week's beginning classes and just find myself sighing, wishing I was in seminar already.  Maybe I'm just weird?  Who looks forward to school??  I think there's something in the water.  I should go get that checked...just in case.  Yeah, just in case.

End of term

I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT!!!!!!!  I ended this term with exactly what I was hoping for.....two A's!  I was soooo relieved!  I am just so glad it is over and done with because this term really kicked my butt!  But I stuck to my guns and stayed for the long haul, and came out on top!  Yay!  I think I deserve a night out or something.  Maybe buy myself something nice....who knows?  But I did it!

Unit 10

Now that this term is finished, I can honestly say that I have never been so relieved in my life!  I'm still sweating over my final grade, however.  I was hoping to log on today and see what it would be, but alas, 'twas not so!  *Sigh, sigh, sigh*  For some reason, whenever I turned in my paper, the Professor couldn't open it, even though it was done in the required word format.  It's very, very, very frustrating for me.  I just hope she can read it now after I had to re-submit it!  There's nothing worse than waiting for an outcome, good or bad.  I just did not have any luck with turning things in for this course!  I'm just glad that things are finally done and over with, and I can just sit here twiddling my thumbs until the gradebook shows my final grade.  I just realized that I've never been more anxious over anything like this before.  I just hope all my hard work will show up in that little box on the bottom.  *Deep sigh*  I'm just wondering if the stars were in line when I submitted my assignment???  I didn't check the heavens that day, maybe that's what happened.  The gods are angry!  I didn't wait until the 5th sun was in the 3rd solstice or something.  Dang it.  Now I gotta' start doing my rain dance again.  That seems to balance things out.  (The gods are soooooo weird.)  Oh well!  Nothing else to do but wait!   and wait...and wait......and wait...........and go eat something............then wait!  Hey!  I know what I'm going to do today!  I'm going to WAIT!!!!!

Unit 9

"Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel"
                          --Carrie Underwood
 

'nuff said.

Unit 8 post

Wow! This week has flown by. I had so many plans to catch up on all my revision and stuff, but then to realize that I hadn't really worked much on my other paper for my other class! I'm starting to panic now. There is just so much to do in so little time. This week will definitely be busy, trying to get eveything ready for final completion.
In other news, I have finally succeeded in cleaning the majority of my apartment. Yay me! I ended up throwing all my kids' toys in the storage, seeing as how they don't really play with much of them anymore. I was able to organize the room where I keep my computer in, and put the twins' dressers in there as well, since they sleep with me and my husband in their bed. Why not give ourselves some extra room?! The only room that I REALLY need to do is the bathroom. I need to get all the clothes ready for washing, but I think I'm going to the laundry-mat instead of trying to wash them here. My washer works great, but the little 110-watt dryer that I have sucks! It will take all day just to dry 3 loads. I'd be better off going to the laundry-mat where I can put two loads in one dryer for a dollar. Then after the laundry's done, I can get down to the nitty-gritty of cleaning the bathroom. My kids are horrible in that room, too. There is toothpaste all over the counter, towels thrown on the floor, and dirty clothes scattered around the floor instead of behind the door in the hamper. Arrgghhhhh! I guess it's a really good thing that I hardly ever get company. And the company I do get is related!

Unit 7

Wooooooooaaaaaaah! I almost went a week without posting a blog! I'm glad I caught myself in enough time to enter one. I would've been in so much trouble!
Well anyway, I'm still trying to get over the fact that there's only 2 weeks left of class. I don't know about the rest of you, but for some reason, I'm starting to stress out a whole lot more in this class than I ever have before in any other class. For some reason, this is draining me. And I usually love writing, so I'm getting nervous about the upcoming couple of weeks. On top of school and kids, I've also been trying to get my apartment cleaned up, as well as look for a bigger one. I swear, sometimes I think of selling everything but the basics so that I don't have to deal with all this crap! My kids are such a mess! The other day, it took me almost ALL day to clean the living room, the kitchen, and the dining area that connects the two. I had it all nice and spotless and looking so purtty. That night, after I put the last of the odds and ends up, my kids have another mess on the floor! I was so exhausted, I almost cried. I know, wah wah wah, I sound like a baby. But it was just the stress getting to me. So I took a deep breath, sighed deeply, and just cleaned it up like a good girl. I had my 3 oldest clean up the little mess they made and then we all sat down and chillaxed with a good movie on tv until it was time for bed (which was around 1 in the morning that day!).
I was so upset with my cable service, too. I was going to order the new Twilight movie so that we could all have a good time and eat popcorn, but apparently I have to have my password (which I've forgotten since I first programmed it!) and the guy on the phone said there was nothing they could do on their end, not even reset it. So I'm wondering if I go down to my local office here, if they'd be able to do anything? I don't know. I guess it's worth a shot anyway. I just wish it wasn't so far away. Maybe I just need to find a place that's closer to everything? Oh well, enough ramblings for now I guess. I need to get the rest of this week's work out of the way. 'Night all!

Unit 6

I am so bummed. On top of every other little problem that I have in my life right now, I get the pleasure of adding more! There is something sooooooooooo not right here. But I guess what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. So Miss Muscle Universe, look out! I will be able to rival Atlas in holding up the Earth. Let someone try and pass me in a dark alley without getting scared now!

Dieting Research

Well, I've FINALLY cracked open one of the books I checked out from the library and started reading it. In just the 3 chapters I've read so far, I am astounded at just how far off the track anyone who diets really is. The book I started with is titled "Diet Myths That Keep Us Fat..." just to get the myth part of my paper started. And just the information that I've taken from it so far, is enough to drive anyone crazy! It is definitely becoming an eye-opener, if nothing else. I myself, have struggled with losing weight, even if it's only what I fondly call my "baby pouch." Now I'm not a diet fanatic to say the least, but I have tried 2 or 3 of these fad diets before. And no, I did not see results. I just think it's amazing that this is a billion dollar industry, and growing. I can easily see how it would be. It's almost enough to be discouraging. I'm not one with strong willpower, but I do have a goal to set myself for. I figure, as long as I can get back to my pre-baby weight, I'll be doing pretty good. At least I'll have a ton of pants that I'll be able to fit into again! They're just in the storage collecting dust, and I can, in no way, bring myself to throw them out or give them away. I'll get there....eventually. I just have to push myself harder not to give up (so easily). I've always been the type of person that can't do things on their own. I think that's one fault of mine that's holding me back. When I'm doing something with someone, it's easier for me to keep my eyes on the goal. When I'm stuck doing something on my own, it's harder for me to stick with it. I need to break myself from that detrimental mind-set and push myself out of my own box. Maybe this research will do me a world of good, and give me something that I can actually, and beneficially, use. I was just wondering, if any of you have dieted successfully, what techniques did you use? What were some of the roadblocks that you had to overcome yourselves? Any tips or hints would be great!

Unit 5 Post

Research, research, research! I've finally started working on mine, but all I've done is my reference page. I guess that's better than nothing! I'm just sitting her with my husband, the twins, and my stack of books watching The Family Guy. We love this cartoon. My favorite character is Stewie. I think it's so funny how he is so intent on killing Lois. I think it's his accent. I love listening to accents. But I'm just rambling. What I really need to do is set up some time so that I can at least skim the books for the most important parts of what I need. I should get off now. Dang it!

Unit 4

Laundry sucks!!! Whatever you do, DON'T let it pile up! I have spent the past 2 days catching up with all that I had piled up in the different hampers around the house. I'm surprised my kids weren't running around naked! But on the other hand, I guess it's a good thing they had enough clothes to last this long, hehehe. There had been so much going on recently, that every basket was piled over by the time I realized it. So all day yesterday, my husband washed clothes. When he filled the baskets, I took them to the laundry-mat to dry and fold them. Then we were on repeat for today. My kids had clothes that I had forgotten about! Phew! Well, at least now I can get back on our regular laundry schedule so that this doesn't happen again. Just made me wonder how long we could've gone before we really DID start running around naked? Things that make me go "hmmm?" Just makes me wish I could use my regular 220 dryer instead of this puny little 110 dryer I have to have now. It takes forever just to dry one load. And if there are jeans in there, forget it! Okay, I'll get off of my soapbox now and get to bed!

Blog crazy!

I am just enjoying tonight so much! I was finally able to purchase a laptop and today I went for my Wi-Fi equipment and set everything up. I feel like I've finally stepped into the 20th century! Now I just need the 21st....dang it! I can never stay ahead!
Just thought I'd write and mention how much I'm enjoying reading every one's posts. And also to thank everybody who comments to mine. Katie, I hope you check my responses to one of the comments you made on my 2nd post! :)
I was sitting here on my bed (now that I'm mobile!) and listening to my little boy snore. Well, it's not really a snore...more of a very deep breath each time he breathes. It took me back to when he was born and I would just watch him and his twin sister (who's fighting sleep by staying in the living room watching TV...little booger!). I can't believe how fast time flew from that day to this one. She's already trying to talk and form words, while he's intent of getting in your face every time he "talks" which is more of a caveman's grunt. Every time he's saying something to his daddy, my husband will look at me and kind of give me that look that says "What's he saying?" I keep telling him I haven't translated that language yet. I'll just go along with whatever he's saying and laugh and smile with him. He's such a beautiful little boy. I believe John Lennon sang it best in "Beautiful Boy".
And my little girl.......boy is she something else. She's developing quite a powerful little presence at her young age. She's a mover and a shaker (literally). Every time I turn on the radio and put on one of my favorite Cd's, she'll stand right in front of the stereo and just shake her little hips left to right and go with the rhythm. And when she gets mad, everybody clear the room! She goes into hypersonic mode, which makes me really glad that I don't have any glass dishes or knick-knacks in my house. They'd all be broken. I'm working on getting her to stop doing that. I'd hate for her to have a "moment" while we're out shopping or something. But she is such the little princess. She loves wearing little dresses, carrying baby dolls, and especially having a purse. She's super-glued to my side usually every second of the day, except of course when she's fighting sleep and hiding in the other room! She's closer to me though, than my older two daughters are. Maybe because I've been able to stay home with her and her brother than having to go to work almost everyday like with my 3 oldest. I think moms who have the opportunity to stay at home and raise their children are the luckiest people in the world. I'm definitely enjoying my moments with my babies.

Being an Online Student

Being an online student for me, has definitely proven itself to be somewhat of an adjustment, although not as big of a one as I initially thought it would be. Taking classes online was pretty much my initial decision, only because of the fact that I have five little ones at home that I take care. My three oldest kids go to school, but only two of them get out at 3 pm. My middle child gets out at 11 am since he's only in Pre-K. So my twins are the only ones that are still at home, seeing as how they're only 2 years old! But I'm loving being able to be there every second of the day with them. And not to mention that if I had attended a regular college, I would've had the added stress of needing a baby-sitter every time I needed to go to class, the computer lab, library, advisor consults, etc. So my first choice when I finally decided to go back to school was to take online classes.
After the first week went by, and I knew what it was going to be like and what to expect, things flowed a lot more smoothly. The convenience of being able to attend my classes whenever I chose to, and being able to attend how I wanted, was what I loved most about an online college. The only drawback that I do see about it, is when some of the classes are harder than others, we still only have class once a week. That's where I wish that online classes were more like traditional college classes, in that you meet 2 or 3 times a week. That way if there is anything confusing or if any questions come up, you can prepare them for the next class session before everything needs to be turned in. That and you can't pop in personally with your advisers to discuss something or other. But oh well! I guess there's always going to be a give-and-take in every situation that you're in, regardless of what it is. Just go with the flow, I guess!

Holy crap!

I just got done with my discussion assignment for this week, and Ohhh Emm Geeeeee!!! I will definitely have my work cut out for me this term, and I'm hoping that it will go smoothly. I plan on taking 3 classes for the next Kaplan year, which covers the next 3 terms after this one is done. I'm scaring myself! After this one assignment, I'm feeling pretty gutsy! I just hope my love of writing doesn't get scared out of me having to do this research paper. I never realized how much harder it is to write on a specific topic (health-related) than it is to pick a topic that's dear to your heart. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!

Well, I'm glad this is coming in handy! I may be able to stick to writing a daily journal after all! Just thought I'd leave a word or two about how glad I am that I come from such strong stock. Most days I feel so unappreciated at home, except of course by my bunch of munchikins. In their eyes, I can still do no wrong........yet. I'll hold onto that as long as I possibly can! I guess the feeling can be personified to that of Superman never losing his cape or changing back into Clark Kent. He's just always, immortally a hero.
My oldest is at a lock-in at school right now. I have an hour before I need to go pick her up. I still remember giving her life. She looked like such an ugly little martian! But after they cleaned her up, she was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever laid my eyes on. My mom stated right away that she needed a haircut...............lol, Moms! She was so overcome with emotion of having her first grandchild that she said such silly little things that day. I have a picture of my mom where she's standing looking my way with her hand on her chest while my daughter is getting cleaned off at the opposite end of the hospital room. Her eyes are all teary, and even though the quality of the picture isn't that great (before my digital camera), it still evokes so much emotion. Makes me teary-eyed every time I look at it. It's hard to believe she's going to be 8 in a few short months. Couldn't she just stay little?

1st Seminar

Well, just finished my first seminar for College Composition II a little under an hour ago, and I have to say that I'm getting a little nervous over all the information that was covered. There seems to be a mountain of homework waiting for me during the next 10 weeks. But I'm sticking to my guns. I've always loved writing, although I never hoped or dreamed to pursue it for any kind of permanent job. I've always just enjoyed having the medium to express whatever it is I'm feeling at that moment of my life. Funny thing is, I don't do diaries or journals. I tried that once or twice, and when I looked back at them, there were months of gaps in between. Haha, oh well! But I'm hoping that writing on this blog will help to relieve some of the tension and nervousness I'm feeling. That and I have to vent somewhere! But oh well.....I guess it's time to get off of here for now and finish some of the housework I need to do before going to bed. Good night all!

Day 1

Before anybody asks, I chose this name because of my kids. I knew it had to be something that would be easy to remember, and who can forget their kids? Even if I wanted to, they're still here! Lol, all joking aside..........for days and days on end after they saw Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who, all they could recite was that one line out of the movie where Katie says: "In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies." Of course, being kids, their version ended in "butterflies poop" followed by a raucous fit of laughter. Those goobers! Well, here we go!!!